This Really is a labor of Love

This has been such a whirlwind for me. My emotions are not in check at all, most days are great, I find that as long as things are maintaining an even (albeit terrifying) keel then I do fine. But as soon as there's a bump in the road (and it seems there have been several), I can't keep it together. It's awful, because I am the kind of person who maintains composure A LOT easier then I have been able to as of late. I realize I have all kinds of preggo hormones raging through my body, plus I am terrified, and am living my life in a vacuum, at the mercy of other people, all things I do not enjoy. I try to cut myself some slack, but realistically I struggle.

Upon being readmitted to the hospital at 24 weeks, I came in terrified. Not as planned, no smooth transition. I had started having pinkish fluid, and was fearful my placenta was tearing away (abrupting), or that something was really wrong. Upon arriving, the drs and nurses were not concerned, its perfectly normal they told me. I was like - well if its perfectly normal then why did it just start today, why hasn't it been pink all along, what happened between today and yesterday to make it pink. I felt like demanding an ultrasound, figuring that would give them and me and better idea of what was going on. All these questions, and no REAL answers, it could be one of many things they tell me. Well that doesn't put my little mind at ease. A full 24 hrs later they did an ultrasound (a biophysical profile which showed not enough measurable fluid as usual....), and sure  enough my placenta was fine and the bleeding wasn't coming from my uterus. A brief sigh of relief ensued. Only to be followed with more questions, ok so why the pink fluid. The answer it's likely coming from your cervix - ok so new fears, why is my cervix bleeding - am I going into labour? And then the pink fluid stops as quickly as it started. Why? It seems I will never know. But I made it to 24 weeks 1 day!

The first couple of days were hard settling into the hospital. I miss home, I miss Hannah, and life outside here. But I know I am in the best place, and I have two babies to worry about, Hannah, and the one inside me fighting for it's chance at life. And I want that chance to be the best chance possible, which means staying here growing this sweet babe for what seems like a very very long long time. Mid February to be exact. Christmas, New Years and Hannah's birthday all need to happen first. Because if they don't then they will all look very different then they do right now. A whole new level of terror will set it. I have seen first hand how terrifying it is to go into labour after your water has broken far to soon. There have been several women, some who came before me and some who came after, that have had there babies. Each and every time my heart aches for them. I count my blessings everyday. Everyday I am still pregnant is a huge blessing.

So, today I ask that you think about all the moms whose babies were born to soon, and have started the second round of the fight of their lives. The mom's whose babies are hooked up to machines, and can't be held. Please give them the strength to endure that. Please give me the strength to endure this.

Amy