How I Managed my Stay at Home Between 21 weeks and 24 weeks!!

Just thought I would blog a bit about how I did with my stay at home between being discharged from the hospital, at 21 weeks 5 days, until my return at 24 weeks. I was really torn about going home or staying in the hospital, in one way I was in the very best place I could be for baby and myself, but realistically, they would not doing anything for baby until 24 weeks (viability), and I have a sweet little girl at home who was missing me terribly and I was missing her. We were not prepared for this to become our new reality. Our home was in the midst of being decorated for Christmas, and ironically, my husband was preparing for surgery the very next day (the day after my water broke), for a hernia. So, I let my house go a little figuring I'm going to be housebound taking care of Eric for the next couple of weeks. And then baby pulled trump, surgery was cancelled, and childcare in the form of grandma's and aunts and neighbours was established. I am soo thankful to everyone who has supported us through this process, I feel like I am in a bit of a fog, I cant remember what I said/did ten minutes ago, and the passage of time seems to meld together, but is passing so slowly. I can't keep track of things.

I am so glad I decided to go home for that time period. I missed my home, my baby girl and just seeing her in her element at home. We read lots of books together, and she often came up to me " Mommy I snuggle you". I love those snuggles and cherish every single one of them. I got to spend time with my dogs and cats and enjoyed home cooked food (cuz this hospital food is yucko). i made lists upon lists for how to find Hannah's clothes, how to run the washing machine, how to manage Hannah's daytime routine. I tried to prime myself for the reality that in just a short time I won't be here to oversee that its running smoothly. It was a good thing to do. It has made me feel like at least I have laid the foot prints for her to have some stability. That little girl is my world and I miss her like crazy!!!!!!!!!! I miss checking on her after she's fallen asleep and having her grip my finger in her tiny little fist. Someday I hope she understands how much I love her, and how even though I am not doing this to her, I am doing it for her, and her baby sister or brother who she will cherish for the rest of her life.

We planned an uneventful relaxing day for the Sunday of my return, we were going to just enjoy each others company, have a nice supper and then head up to the hospital. Unfortunately, the transition from home to hospital was not smooth. I ended up having some bleeding and pink amniotic fluid, so the return to hospital was rushed and panicked. I had to do one of the hardest things i have ever had to do, leave the house with my baby girl screaming at the top of her lungs for mommy to stay with her. it was awful. I felt like the worlds worst mom, and yet there was nothing i could do. She came up to visit me later that evening once things had settled down and i was settled in my room, and was really unhappy to leave but was really happy to see me.

They say the pink amniotic fluid is somewhat to be expected, as my water has broken and there's less of a cushion between baby and my uterine lining. However, it still terrifies me. I feel like I am living in perpetual terror. It's very difficult to keep my head on straight and be my normal positive self. I am trying to convince myself that everything is going to be just fine, and to minimize my stress, but it is very difficult with this fear looming over me. But I am making it my goal to stay positive. So please keep me and my family in your thoughts. Thank you soo much.....

Amy