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I don't find it strange that I would give my right arm to be inside the house, watching Max grow up before my eyes-doing, really, the things that made me so crazy three months ago. I'd just been going through the motions then, acting out a role that I couldn't really remember being cast in. Now I'm back on my own free will. I want to spread chutney on Nicholas's turkey sandwiches. I want to stretch socks over Max's sunburned feet. I want to find all my art supplies and draw picture after picture with pastels and oils and hang them on the walls until every dull, pale corner of that house is throbbing with color. God, there is such a difference between living the life you are expected to live and living the life you want to live. I just realized that a little late, is all." pg 324
This passage, spoke to me from many angles. I truly feel as though I have treasured Hannah for the gift she is, from the very moment she was born. It's hard for me to imagine anyone not feeling this way. My world was lit up when that little girl was born. But, after reading this book, I realize not everyone feels that way. Picoult conveys the emotions of Paige so well, I can almost relate to her emotions, personally having experienced the opposite, but totally believing that those emotions are very real, very possible, and very heart-wrenching. Throughout the course of the book Paige almost models herself in the footsteps of the men she loves, the people she cares about, because it's easy then being herself, confronting her issues, finding her passion. She gets glimpses of her passion, but is very easily redirected, almost seemingly when things get to "real" for her. When she stops looking at someone else and seeing them, but sees parts of herself in them.
I think there's a lot of truth in the statement 'there's such a difference between living the life you are expected to live and living the life you want to live'. Paige spent a lot of time doing as she expected she should do, not fully knowing what that looked like, or especially felt like. So every feeling was foreign, nothing FELT right, she was forcing herself through the motions. It's kind of like she was depressed, she was stuck in a sense in a life that felt so foreign to her and she had no one to turn to for advice. Being a new mom is hard, it's fabulously hard. There are soo many moments of pure joy, but soo many moments of frustration. How can you experience all these in the same day. The first time your child smiles at you, coincided with the first time you couldn't get your baby to stop crying to save your life. Intense fear, clashing with the calamity felt when your child is nuzzled up against you deep in sleep, her little hand curled around your back. The best way through it really does seem to be the reality check that comes with "this too shall pass", sometimes that's a good thing, and sometimes, it's such a profound blow it knocks the breath right out of you. She will never smile at me for the first time again, I need to soak this is in, and at some point she won't be curling up in my lap anymore, she won't fit in my arms. It's a riveting ride, but one with an amazing view, and one that spans all emotions. I wouldn't miss it for the world, so I can truly feel the desperation that she is expressing when she realizes this, albeit later then she would have liked to.
I loved this book, it dealt with some hard emotions, but it was extremely well written. At one point in the book I was felt so sorry for Paige, to feeling soo frustrated with her I might have shaken her to life if she was standing right in front of me, to so angry with her for being such a coward, to in complete admiration of her for being so strong, and in complete awe of her for being so devoted. Great, great book. Highly recommend it. Anyone else read this book, or a book that evoked similar emotions?
Stay tuned for the next book I'm reviewing, "The Rescue", by Nicholas Sparks. Thanks for reading!!
- Amy
